Tracy's Writings

2012-01-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

Father Kevin had to reschedule our weekly meeting until next Wednesday due to a funeral. I'm a bit disappointed, but there's nothing I can do. I really don't feel good today, almost fell asleep in church today. Not bored with church, I don't feel good. Part of the reason I don't feel so good is that I have to work. I wish I felt more...what's the word I wanna use? self-assured? confident? Had more faith?

2012-01-26T14:20:00.000-05:00

I really need to snap out of this funk that I am in. Since June, when working for United Cerebral Palsy, I have been in this depression and anxiety funk. I think part of it has to do with not being happy with my life. It also seems I say this often, too: I don't think I processed as much as I liked with Mark moving on. This year it will be two years. Deep down inside it's being lonely, it's my past, it's not being where I'd like to be in life, and it's (in general) being a lousy person towards others and myself.....I'm a bad person who needs to work on her "sins" because I'm on my way to hell.

Something has got to change. Writing about these things is not going to make things any better. I have to act...not only write about these things. I have to physically start working on things....not just take my medicines, but diet and exercise have to change. I know that. I'm tired a lot of the time and can't get moving. I just started working on my spirituality with Father Kevin and I have been going to Bible Study on Tuesdays and Saturday mornings. Than there is counseling to help the other aspects of my life. I have been trying to work with Maureen, a social worker, who is my case manager/counselor. There is also my psychiatrist who helps me when it comes to part of the physical aspect. The rest of the physical aspect has to do with diet, exercise, and getting sunlight.

2012-01-11T17:01:00.002-05:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote...a few things went on. I have been on a dating website called Plenty of Fish and been searching for companionship....so far we have one prospective guy in his 50's named Tony. The rest of them think I have cooties because of my weight, have been idiots, or have been seeking sex.

Yesterday, I called the place where I receive counseling services and said I wanted to hurt myself. Three police cars met me up at the place where I work to chat with me to make sure that I was ok. (I had gotten to work a bit early and was in the parking lot.) I had one of two choices: go to the hospital or have them call my mom to verify I was able to work...well I didn't really want to go to the hospital. It's a lot of things really. It's loneliness, it's not making enough money, it's my mom on my case, and I miss school, especially Cleveland State University. I miss Mark, Jerry, and Jeffrey.

Tracy

2011-12-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

Christmas eve is here and I'm done with my shopping despite running to get a few last gifts for my mother. She wants me to return a coffee pot that she bought for my grandma and use the money to buy her some dish towels. A little anxious about money, but other than that feeling pretty normal. The only complaint I have is getting out of bed early. I can't seem to get out of bed early.

Trying to work on my Sketchbook project to have mailed out by January 5th, but the pages keep sticking together and I have to fix them to make the rips in my pages look they are actual art work.

2011-12-19T00:00:00.003-05:00

Christmas is fast approaching and I need to finish getting my gifts. Anxiety ridden as usual. The judge from my lawsuit says I never responded in any manner, so I have to pay the full amount I owe to the creditor that is suing me. I can object, because I did respond! Work sucks because I don't make a lot of money and I am nervous around the department manager. I had 2 interviews this past week, one at social service agency and the other with a sight center. The sight center is through the rehabilitation services I decided to use because of my issues with my mental illness.

Yours,

Tracy

2011-11-25T19:16:00.001-05:00

Recovering from my almost done week at work. Two more days and I am off until Wednesday. However, I struggling with the manager of the department and I am not the only one. This week I got yelled at for screwing up. Then I ran a red light. Fortunately, no one was hit. However, I pull into my Weight Watchers meeting, get out of my car, and some guy who noticed me running the red light stops me and tells me off. I ignored him until he made some comment about me going to the "fat ladies meeting." Then my session with my case manager did not go well either. I felt like she was telling me off, as well, when we were discussing the situation where I fucked up at work and I got yelled at for screwing up. I sensed frustration from her.

2011-11-19T14:38:00.001-05:00

Feel a little depressed/overwhelmed at the moment. Dad and I are going to church today. They are officially installing the new pastor at our church today. Afterwards, there will be refreshments. Yesterday, I met with Maureen, my case manager. We went to Starbucks and had our session there. We didn't dig real deep, but I told her about my new niece, Kayla Lynn, who was born this past week.

Other than that, not much to talk about.

Yours,

Tracy

2011-11-11T13:47:00.001-05:00

I used to have dreams: living in New York, finishing my Master's Degree, and becoming a recognized artist/photographer. I now work at Sears 15 hours a week making minimum wage. What has become of me? I pray that I get enough hours to pay bills and buy Christmas gifts. I got up at 11am today because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I ate and filled up my gas tank. This would have been a perfect day to take pictures before I dropped off dad at grandpa's and before I see Maureen at four. My life is a waste.

2011-11-06T14:27:00.001-05:00

At the library killing time on a Sunday afternoon. A little bored, to say the least. It's nice enough for walk, could really go for one honestly. Whether I do that is another story. Thursday morning I work at Sears. I'm going to have to get cracking on looking for another job. I think I'm going to do another "Promote Your Blog!" swap so I can get more people talking and leaving feedback on my blogs.

2011-11-05T14:23:00.002-04:00

Got hired at Sears. Worried about money and hours as usual. Got my computer paid off with the help of my aunt. Unfortunately money didn't last very long to pay off tires even after winning 254.00 dollars at a casino and worry how I'm going to explain that to mom. Bored as usual, waiting to go to church in a couple of hours.

2011-10-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

I am writing even though at this point I really don't feel like it and don't have much to talk about. It is my typical Wednesday. I wish I would snap out of this funk that I am in, this depressive episode that is been hanging over me for the past few weeks. Like I mentioned in my last entry, there was a time when I was able to work 2 jobs or go to school and work. I used to be a part of the Anthropology Association, GLASA, and study. I used to volunteer for the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center and teach PSR. I used to do writing workshops, and hang with friends. I did readings and passed out communion at church. Things have changed. Most of my relationships I have destroyed. It's a chore to do the activities I do now: Weight Watchers,NAMI group, and exercise. Bible Study is a chore. I fear what will happen when I start work. I wish I could tell my mom why it seems I am "farting around." Things aren't as they seem. I "fart around" because I don't feel good.

2011-10-23T14:22:00.002-04:00

I remember when there was a time when I could work two jobs or go to school and work and be involved in all kinds activities. Now it's a chore just to shower or go to the library. And the funny thing is that I'm on a bunch of medication that's suppose to help. It's as if I have to be on medications to get myself out of bed or function properly, which in most cases, I do NOT feel like doing or can't do. It's as if I'm a little off, a step behind, or trying to catch my breath.

yours,

Tracy

2011-10-22T20:47:00.000-04:00

Finally, after weeks of hunting, I found a job working at Sears. I won't start for a at least a week or so because of paperwork and a drug test, which I know I'll pass with flying colors. I am relieved I found work for now. However, I fear the depression will cause me to quit or cause other problems like anxiety like it did for me at United Cerebral Palsy.

Not much to report, except someone from the lawyer's office defending the credit card company suing me told me "I'd be sorry" when I refused to verify my address and the last four digits of my social security number. So when I filed to defend myself, I stated I didn't have a job. As of yesterday, when I filed, I didn't. I also stated that when I worked it was unstable and was not able to make the payments. I also mentioned the threat.

2011-10-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

Having being diagnosed with a mental illness, I thought I could use that to my advantage to help me find work. Back in May I decided to use rehabilitation services to help, and finally after getting my paper work in, I finally get a letter back saying that I am "Most Significantly Disabled." That's good news because it seems that they will me find a job and keep it. It's hard to keep a job because of the unhappiness, depression, and anxiety. I also figured to keep productive, I could attempt to volunteer, so I filled out an online application to volunteer at SPACES Gallery in Cleveland.

2011-10-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

For someone who is supposed to be so creative, I sure don't have a clue where to go to take pictures other than Lakeview Cemetery or The Winchester. I don't have any ideas where to go to take pictures. The Metroparks by my house? The Chalet? WHERE DO I GO FOR PICTURES?

I wish God would help me down here. I feel so helpless and hopeless about my job situation and in regards to my creativity.

2011-10-10T20:32:00.002-04:00

Dear Editor,

This letter of complaint goes out to everyone who has criticized me, deflated my ego, and to those who haven't seen the whole picture or considered my point of view. To hell with all involved in the destruction of my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my positive perception of myself. To hell with those who made me feel less than beautiful, less than intelligent, or less than caring or personable.

Shame on you all!

Tracy

2011-10-08T20:52:00.003-04:00

First things first: I need structure. I need to work. I need hobbies I love and enjoy doing. I need balance of work and play. I need a deep spirituality, a deep connection with the Earth and other people. My brain needs to be stimulated. I miss learning, learning about interesting things. I miss learning about religion. I miss going to GLASA at Cleveland State University. I miss going to the library there and talking to Jerry from the computer lab. I miss the Anthropology Association. Art Therapy at Ursuline College was interesting. I miss taking art classes with Ken. I miss Jeffrey. Among other things that I failed to state I miss, I miss feeling my sense of normal whatever normal is.

2011-10-06T17:25:00.002-04:00

The Perfect Day as a Christian

A day without sin, lying, doing hurtful things, or not doing something (i.e. not helping others).
Going to perpetual adoration at least once a week, again.
Getting more meaning out of Mass-being more attentive.
Making a serious confession
Making time for God and prayer.
Thinking less of myself.
Doing to others as I want done to me.
Loving thy neighbor.
Being less cranky and miserable

2011-10-05T17:22:00.000-04:00

While you will see this on my art work website, http://tracysartwork.blogspot.com/, I wanted to show it here. This was from a swap I did this past month, titled Mental Health Awareness. Seeing how I have been talking about depression here, I thought this piece was appropriate to show here. It is roughly titled "This is what depression looks like."

2011-10-05T16:59:00.002-04:00

I started to feel better earlier today only to have the depression hit me, once again. Yesterday I managed to go for a walk and then found myself a bit irritated when I got to bible study, but the irritation soon passed during the session.

I think what hit me, today, is what I owe on my computer; I thought I owed less. I put 50 bucks on the charge that I use for the computer. I think the bill is what is behind this depression.

I really wish I had more support than what I get from my mental health professionals and the support group I go to on Wednesday nights. I don't have many relationships. In fact, I really don't have any. Rita, Sarah, Gina, and I aren't on speaking terms. Liane and I speak but we aren't as close as we used to be anymore. It seems the only time we talk is when it's birthday time and the last time we talked was when she wished me a happy birthday. On facebook, nonetheless. It's a wonder that I don't have anyone: I really don't want to be bothered at times or I find myself irritated with people.

2011-10-03T19:22:00.002-04:00

Not any hours from work causes a lot of problems for me. It doesn't seem I qualify for legal aid despite being poverty level, and I can't afford an attorney for my credit card lawsuit. My parents let me use their credit card for much needed two front tires and I wonder how I am going to pay that off along with the rest of my computer I used on their credit card they lent me for that. Then there is car insurance and gas...

2011-10-02T11:04:00.001-04:00

“Mother, put your shotgun down.”

Iam no longer a child of God.

Keeperof purgatory, please save me a spot—

Ino longer want to be the sacrifice consumed by fire.

Iam craving a radiant spirit.

Iwill spend my days in a pale

eternityfresh in decay and in dirt.

Ihave been bladed by life

2011-10-02T11:03:00.001-04:00

“ToSee Myself”

Iam looking at a silhouette full of shard.

Myvacant eyes fear pain, my skin white without color.

Myhope disappears into the chilly, dark sky.

Inquisitive,inflexible officials probe

mylife carefully and its wasted harmony.

Inauthenticcaring looks appear on their faces as they

piecetogether on why I have broken every angel here.

Imaginescreams as the examiner carefully

Observesand investigates my sculpture using his raw latex

Topaint a surreal picture on canvas.

2011-10-01T20:41:00.001-04:00

Beforemy thirty-first birthday, I had the opportunity of being locked up in thepsychiatric unit at the local city hospital back in 2009 for a week. This happened after years of cutting, a fewsuicide attempts, and a near hospitalization after having my stomachpumped. I managed my way into the unit,scared, after telling my counselor I’d planned on buying a gun.

The hospitalization did not do anythingfor me, except make me a little more anxious shortly after my discharge; theyadjusted my meds. While I was there I went to most of the groups there to passthe time. I dealt with patients who madepasses at me. I also dealt with a patient who gave me a hard time. On separate occasions she had outbursts whichrequired security to come and make visits to the unit to calm things down. She would yell that she was going to contactthe local newsman to hear her story to get herself sprung. I burst into tearsto my roommate crying I wanted to go home. I suppose the woman had many outbursts becauseshe felt that she did not belong there, just as I felt like I did not belongthere, too. I was bored, gettinganxious, and felt the doctors were intimidating and unfriendly.

The doctors asked me a bunch of standardquestions about my mental health, determining my fate on whether or not my staywas going to be lengthened anymore than I wanted it to be. During this stay, I eventually lied about mytrue feelings and kept my mouth shut about suicide just to go home…that isuntil about two years later, I ended up back in the emergency room, where itwas to be determined whether or not I should be admitted to the state hospital.

Changes

2011-10-01T20:21:00.001-04:00

It's been about four or five years since I started writing in this blog and can't believe the changes since then. I spent one semester at Ursuline College in their art therapy program, only to go on to Baldwin-Wallace's special education program, which I never completed. Done some odd jobs here and there since WSEM and Macy's. Worked for Strongsville City Schools, United Cerebral Palsy, now Ripcho Photography. Don't really keep up with poetry that much, but try to journal and keep up with a sketchbook, and photography.

no title

2011-10-01T18:43:00.000-04:00

Missed my bible study due to a meeting at work that was a waste of time. I went to church today and managed to sit in the front, which is a big deal since I used to hide in the "cry" room. I owe a credit card 1400 dollars in which I am being sued for and have to call legal aid on Monday. I have to defer my loans for school and I hope they honor my request. So, along with the usual depression, I have actual things to be depressed about. What pisses me off is the fact I missed my bible study for a job that didn't give me any hours next week...due to that damn meeting. I don't have many things to look forward to in my life.

I would LOVE to get the job at the library because I would be productive and I would be using my mind.

no title

2011-09-29T19:07:00.002-04:00

Not feeling as bad as I usually do, feel better. Searching for another job because working at the photo studio one day a week isn't going to cut it any more. Have a job interview at the public library in a week and a half.

Tomorrow I see my case manager for therapy. I like her and find her helpful, but I still miss Jeffrey from college who was my favorite counselor of them all. I hope I can get my medicine changed because I am depressed, find myself in a fog, forgetful, and unmotivated. I have books and movies from the library and some "homework" for bible study and I am slowly getting motivated to do the stuff I have been wanting to do for the last couple of weeks. I finally got my ATC's done for the "Mental Health" swap on Swap Bot.

Tired of writing, so I am signing off the blog.

Yours, Tracy

Depression

2011-09-26T13:44:00.002-04:00

I find myself still depressed. Perhaps it's the weather. Maybe it's the fact I have to be up early for work. Being up early for work depresses me, to be honest. As a matter of fact, working in general does not make me happy. I don't make much money, have to be up really early, and quite frankly, it causes me much angst. No matter what job I do, I feel angst and depression. I really need to heal.

Another Post

2011-09-25T19:58:00.000-04:00

I'm going out on a limb writing this for many reasons...

For starters, I find that my depression/suicidal thoughts often linger, they are stronger at times than others as I found out this evening. I debated leaving the house today to get dinner and sit at a coffee shop and blog for a little bit. I eventually got my stuff and headed out the door despite feeling depressed and suicidal. I go through this often in my life: I find the depressive and suicidal feelings very strong and struggle with doing in spite of.

I wrote this entry in my diary a few months ago in a diary entry dated for June 19th: "I often wonder if I'll ever be a day without anxiety, or be suicidal thought free. I find myself unhappy, bored, an unpassionate about the things I love in life. I am NUMB." I go on to talk about how I go to church, that I'm involved in a support group, and how it would be a lot worse if I weren't on meds. I am on my meds and I am in therapy, but find it difficult to like my life as well as find things to look forward to in my life sometimes.

well......here it goes.

2011-09-25T16:11:00.001-04:00

I try to limit what I write in my blog for fear of chasing off any prospects of having future jobs. Call me paranoid, but I fear potential jobs will look me up on the internet and come across my writings and be offended and not hire me. I try to keep facebook and my other blogs clean despite one, what I consider, a blow-up on facebook. Basically, I was pissed because of all the hours I was working for at UCP and tired of working Mondays which was my day off. So, my so-called blow up was a short rant that "I hated Mondays" and "Screw this f'ing job." Luckily, I don't think many people pay attention to me on facebook and I ended up quitting anyways. Now I have a temporary position at a local photography studio.

So what else is new? Well I still suffer from depression, do some photography and art, and I am taking a break from school, my graduate studies. Personally, I miss writing in a blog. I keep a paper diary were more personal stuff will be recorded there, unless I am so inclined to share. No boyfriends, marriage proposals, or children, yet. Oh, just in case you were wondering what UCP stands for, it stands for United Cerebral Palsy.

2007-07-17T11:55:00.005-04:00

SUMMER WARMTH

When summer comes
Are you going to be excited for the sun?
Ready to enjoy the fun?
Meet me at the beach
To be free and to
Harvest in the glory of warmth.

2007-07-17T11:55:00.001-04:00

THE LIBRARY
It's quiet, airy, and full of books. I thought I would come out and enjoy the quietness and get away from my room & computer—although there are computers here. Usually it’s quiet at home too—provided I am by myself or no one is bothering me. I thought I'd
come and look at the CD's to make a mix for myself. Indeed, I did find some CD's. All I know is when I am done procrastinating, I will have to do my homework. My shitty homework. I came here to work on some projects for my writing workshop, but I am really avoiding the fact I have to study for my class, Biological Basis of Behavior. I feel snowed under thinking about the homework I have to do. I found out from a name dictionary that my name, Tracy, “is from the Anglo-Saxon, meaning brave.” I surely don’t feel brave at times. I wonder why my mother chose that name for me. Did she see me as growing up to become a brave person? Or did she just like the name? It is also
a variant of Theresa and used also as a masculine name. Theresa is from the Greek therizein, "to reap." I feel that the library can be an overwhelming place, especially with the internet at our finger tips. Instead of looking things up the old-fashioned way, I tend to take the easy way out by looking up things on the internet. Whatever happened to writing letters by hand, as opposed to e-mail? I am just reminded of how lazy, impatient and plagued I can get or have become.

2007-07-17T11:52:00.001-04:00

Going to New York City

to shadow my hallucination of making it big.
Leaving my ho-hum suburb for a chance,
leaving the people I thought I trusted behind.

They are laughing at me for
leaving to go to New York City:
“Why would anyone want to live
there,” giving me a startling glare

thinking I’m deranged and possibly
dangerous for wanting New York.
All the more reason I want to go--to show them.
I’m leaving for the inclination

to pursue a risk in the hope
of a favorable outcome.
I only wish, I really wish
I were going to New York City.

2007-07-17T11:51:00.001-04:00

Worries

“This NOT a terminal condition.
You have to work hard to develop
healthier thinking habits,” says my doctor.
I KNOW it’s not a terminal condition,

but it sure feels like it.
I’m sure I’ve always worried,
but it has been more noticeable or
has increased in the last few years.

I don’t have one particular worry.
Some are valid and productive;
Some, like obsessing if the world hates me, are just as damaging as chronic drinking is to the liver.

2007-07-17T11:49:00.000-04:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. Miss Piggy

My Catholic Point of View
--dedicated to Carrie

I experience seeing Jesus in a different way.
It might be believed that I haven't seen the light
because of my different way of looking at things.
God would not punish or leave me behind because

I have chosen a different path, with a common goal
of getting to bliss. I should not be made to feel
that I am unworthy of redemption because I choose
a different way of life or school of thought.

A loving God would not strike me down
if I worshipped other Gods than Himself, would
be forgiving if I believed in evolution or the Buddha.
God would not let me experience the coldness of hell

if I doubted how life came to be.
Jesus was not exclusive; was willing
to break bread and accept those who were deemed
lowest of the low, pointed out that those

who have sinned shouldn't cast the first stone.
I'm not looking to be saved by someone, it's on me.
May you shed your light and guidance, but the road I choose
to take is to wake up each morning, and make an art of
being a better person than I was the day before.

One's own religion is after all a matter between oneself and one's Maker and no one else's
--Mahatma Gandhi

Unfinished Poem

2007-01-05T18:54:00.001-05:00

Trees

I noticed each tree is an individual.

Some are poised photographed
like models with attitude.
Others, with their twisted, grace
are branched like the palm of a hand
reaching to catch something God threw.

Some pose blended with branches
that appear to be reaching up to the sky,
praising and thanking God for what He has given,
while others with outstretched arms
are asking "What on Earth am I doing here?”

Other trees the opposite: wilted, dying,
folded over, telling us they are tired
from constantly reaching for help,
have given up, lost their will to live.

The last are so large and rigid,
they are protectors of the soul
they have grown to encompass.

2007-01-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

UPDATE as of April 19th, 2007 : I received my paper back a few months ago. I ended up with a "B" on the paper. My friend can kiss my !%*(@.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have this friend who is a poet. She has her masters in English (and I'm assuming her undergrad is in English, as well). She's taught at the community college level, has lots of experience writing, and has done editing. I, on the other hand, have done some journal writing, written some poetry, been published in CSU's "The Vindicator," and have written normal research papers for classes. I don't have a degree in English either.

I will be the first to admit my writings can be improved greatly. I will also admit that I don't write as much as one should, especially if I want to develop my craft.

Anyways, I wrote a research paper for one of my classes and had my friend look at it to fix it up and check the grammar, etc. Despite some much needed improvements, I think it was a pretty decent paper, especially for starting out on a graduate level. Dr. Miller said it was headed in the right direction, as well as my professor. Both, however, also gave much needed constructive criticism. I also got a C+ in the class, which makes me believe the lowest possible grade I had received on the paper was either a C or C+--more than likely a C+. Also, we did an impromptu writing assignment in the beginning of the semester and the main comments seem to be made by the teacher included watching spelling and grammar. Most of the mistakes I made were fixable. If I read her comments right, she also said I would've gotten a B on it if it were an actual graded assignment.

So I was floored to hear my friend tell me that I suck as a writer and that she would've flunked me if she would've graded my paper. Like stated above, I don't claim to have talent, experience, or excellent writing skills. I've always felt that I had potential if I worked at it. I realize that I ALWAYS could use improvement. What is the point of workshops, writing centers, and editors, then? Why do you think I asked for people to look at my paper? She's the only one that I've come across who came out and said this to me. When I wrote for 'The Vindicator,' Jonathan, who was an editor of some sort at "The Vindicator" (and an English major), said I had talent when I thought my submissions were crap. Why the 2 different opinions? Is it possible I can't handle the truth of being a lousy writer? Perhaps my writings need improvement, but is there another possible way to criticize?

I'm starting to wonder what is the basis of this comment considering that the research paper was three pages long and not even close to being completed at the time it was corrected. Perhaps I need to develop a thicker skin and become more aware of how this is if I pursue anything along the lines in regards to the arts. Are her expectations higher then others? I'm a terrible writer how? I'm not sure if I got a clear cut reason on why she thinks I'm a terrible writer or why she should flunk me. The only thing that she really told me is that not everyone is cut out for academics or writing and that maybe I should explore my options. Again, you need to be able back an opinion. Is her opinion "a fact?" Do others hold her point of view? Just plain out saying I stink doesn't say much. What stinks about my writing and what could I do to be a better one?

When I worked at the Youth Center last year, we had this teenager who had the desire to be a singer. God, for some reason, planted the desire in her, so, I figured who am I to judge. You don't see me on American Idol or cutting a record deal. Anyways, one of the youth advisors used to encourage her to sing. She wasn't the best singer, so one day a third youth advisor butted in and said we shouldn't encourage her to sing, she isn't that good:

"She's gonna face a lot of rejections and people telling her she isn't good."

Perhaps, this youth advisor had a valid point that was right. But I felt maybe encouragement is what this child needed in order to succeed. Rejection happens to everyone: artists, musicians, photographers, writers and perhaps this child does need to be prepared for that kind of real world rejection (just as I need to be). Just because a handful of people think you suck doesn't mean anything--if you try or have the desire, I'm sure someone has a different opinion on what "good" is.

I guess my point is this: I'm not sure if I'd exactly tell someone they sucked at something. I might tell them (like this teenager) that if they want to do something they have to practice, take classes, join the choir or a writing group, etc. I would tell them to explore their options because things don't always work as planned and it's a harsh world. Perhaps if something wasn't working out I might point out in a tactful way that there are other options to check out or that there are other things they might be stronger in. Realistically, me being 325 pounds and being out of shape, you won't be seeing me run a marathon anytime soon.

2007-01-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

When I worked with inner city kids, one girl would bring her much younger siblings with her every now and then to the youth center where I was a youth advisor. One day while in the school where I tutored, a young boy came up to me and gave me hug. I didn't recognize him, but gave a hug back. At the end of the day, he approached me with another hug, and this time I remembered who he was because he was with his sister who would come into the youth center.

It made working with kids worthwhile, especially when unexpected things like this happen.

Various writings

2006-12-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

I am a lazy ass monkey who suffers from madness.
I am craving the holy spirit's radiant power that is far away.
Life isn't shits and giggles, nor is it soup and gravy.
I have been bladed by life.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Quite honestly, if I was on my death bed, I don't know if I would give advice or pieces of wisdom before I took my last breath. Lord knows, I dislike receiving advice or other people's words of wisdom. My last words to everybody before I took my last breath would be spent telling everyone how much I loved them and that I am sorry for whatever wrong doings or any pain that I caused them while I was alive. I'd rather spend whatever final (and little) energy I had on telling them what a profound impact they had on my life and how much they mean to me.

2006-11-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

Comedian Michael Richards is the second celebrity to recently use racial slurs out of anger--the second being Mel Gibson when he got pulled over. Now it seems to be the same exact scenario: both get themselves into hotwater, then are embarrassed, and apologize profusely explaining the shame that they have over their actions. Now Michael Richards wants to hire some public relations expert with ties to the black community to help mend the situation.

Point is this: You made racial slurs. You can't take them back. I don't know if you can blame drinking, but obviously both comments were made out of anger. I do think alcohol does lower inhibitions and make people do things they normally wouldn't do or make people more vulnerable to saying things they feel, but wouldn't say normally, but I still want to emphasize the fact that racial slurs were said. Could it be possible that one is embarrassed over the fact that they actually might feel some hostility and prejudice over minority groups?

The way I look at it is this: How many times have we blurted out racials slurs in anger or other obscenities when drunk? How about other behaviors people normally wouldn't do when sober? The only difference is that they are celebrities and everything they do gets reported in the news. I also think, too, celebrities do a wonderful job representing the American public. Half of Hollywood's couples end in divorce:

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe, and Brittany Spears and K Fed are all among the celebrity divorces. We can't forget that Ms. Brittany Spears had a marriage before K Fed that lasted a whopping two or three days.

2006-10-26T15:31:00.000-04:00

Apparently, singer Shakira and her boyfriend ( a son of a former Argentina president) are planning to wait before they get married.

His father had made a comment, which unsuprisingly, I believe to be true:

"They prefer to wait," de la Rua said. "Kids today would rather live as a couple, they don't believe that marriage is necessary to be happy."

Putting my religious beliefs aside in regards to marriage and without bringing religion into politics, this is why I feel the divorce rate is up. I commend them for wanting to wait instead of rushing to get married, but if you are making the commitment to live together and share a life together anyways, why not make it a little more official? For many reasons, I think it makes a little more sense, especially for legal reasons and since plans are in the making for commitment and people sharing their life together with someone. I think being married as opposed to living together gives a little more stance to the relationship making the union more unified then just two separate people sharing a lease on a house or having two names on an account. I also like being able to see my husband as my other half, sharing things with him and him being able to have an easier time making decisions on my behalf (and vice versa) when I am not available to do so.

In part, I think the reason why people who don't get married and who live together instead divorce when they do get married is because marriage is a permanent thing, where living together doesn't seem so permanent, and when you you do finally get married after years of living together that sense of control feels lost. When living together before marriage, it seems to me everything seems separate as opposed to being unified.

Divorce also seems to be a problem for other reasons: rushing into things, not communicating with each other, not having similar beliefs and values (although there are exceptions to the rule when differences and being flexible with those differences can enhance a relationship), and not working on the relationship and bailing out when it gets too tough.

I know when I get married, I want to know who I am, find someone who has similar beliefs and values as I, and if there is any differences in our beliefs and values I hope that we can work as a team before we get married and while married so we don't head for divorce.

2006-10-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

Writing rules

Heinlein's Rules:

1. First, you must write
2. You must finish what you write
3. Do not rewrite except at editorial request
4. You must submit what you have written to an editor for
publication
5. You must continue to submit until the story sells.

ODD humor cont.

2006-10-20T00:00:00.003-04:00

Again, NOT my writings.

Proverbs
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

2006-09-05T17:02:00.000-04:00

She had commented on how she spent a month
recovering from her high school sloth;
She was beginning to regain her sense of equilibrium.

I commented to my therapist the night before
that I, too, felt that I needed to sit back
and catch my breath from being overwhelmed.

A lot has happened in the past year and a half;
My father’s stroke, the swat team paying us a visit,
spending one night in the dorm running away from it all.

I’m glad to be home, to be done at WSEM,
to be back at school studying again.
I, too, am beginning to recover

and starting to catch my balance once again.

2006-07-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

I have this CD, it's one of my favorites. It's called George Martin; In My Life. It's just a bunch of different artists doing covers of Beatles' songs. It features Robin Williams & Bobby McFerrin doing "Come Together", Goldie Hawn doing a cocktail lounge version of "A Hard Day's Night", and Celine Dion doing the classic "Here, There, and Everywhere." This CD can be compared to interpreting Shakespeare. When a person covers a song, they {the performers}come up with some kind of interpretation, just like an actor or actors would when doing a Shakespeare play.

To me, The Beatles are like nothing else. Nothing else could compare, maybe except each of the members solo efforts. Listening to music has done wonders for my soul, whether it's The Beatles, Queen, classical music, or Nirvana. No, I don't sing--but I did try guitar, but listening to a tune or someone singing lyrics that express the very same feeling I'm going through is such a wonderful feeling that words can not express.

Here is a poetry exercise I was playing around with...just wanted to make it known it is just for fun and play...

I eat worms for breakfast.
I carry large quantities of money in my backpack
Every afternoon I take a trip to New York City, London, and if there is time I make a pit stop to Ireland.
My best friend is John Lennon.
I never go anywhere without my large quantities of large money.
I go swimming in the nude.
I have the Statue of Liberty in my room.
Yesterday, Bill Clinton phoned me and offered a marriage proposal.
There is a purple and blue dinosaur hiding in my locker.

"What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books." -Sigmund Freud, neurologist, founder of psychoanalysis (1856-1939)

2006-07-18T13:44:00.000-04:00

Do you own any autographs of famous people? Which ones?

Peter Noone of the Hermans Hermits. I went to a show here in Cleveland called "The Moondog Coronation Ball," where they feature some musicians that are considered "oldies." This years lineup included Mickey Dolenz, Peter Noone, someone from the Animals, and Three Dog Night.

I stood in line to wait for Peter Noone's autograph. After the concert ended, I was leaving the arena and I heard some one behind me in a British accent talking, only to turn around to see Peter Noone walking around with a staff member of the arena or his body guard!

Added November 23rd, 2006:

I can also add two other autographs to my collection: Peter Tork and Pete Best. As you know, Peter Tork was a Monkee. I saw him at a small, local tavern in Lakewood, Ohio. Pete Best is the drummer Ringo Starr replaced of the Beatles. I saw him twice at the same tavern I saw Peter Tork. It's ironic: I have three autographs from celebrities named Peter, and all from the 60's era!

2006-07-18T13:39:00.000-04:00

As a child I always thought being a "nerd", "dork", or "geek" was a bad thing. It's those kinds of names people actually use if you're smart, if you're seen as not having any kind of dimension, are dressed sort of odd, have an interest or good at subjects that aren't seen as normal(Whatever normal is). If someone called me a nerd now, I'd be complimented because I'd feel that means I don't fit into some stereotypical mold.

Not every "nerd," "geek," or "dork" is the stereotypical "Steve Urkel" or a character from "Revenge of the Nerds." Most people who are labeled these terms end up great thinkers or artists in their own right. And I envy those people who aren't scientifically, mathematically, musically, or artistically challenged.

2006-07-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

All these books and nothing to do.
All these words and no essays to write.
I don't remember being a child
who has found something
to keep herself busy when blue.

2006-06-28T13:26:00.000-04:00

The police drive in squad cars that look like giant bees.
The lights on the cruiser remind me of the wings and antennae,
the body of the car has the oval-shape like the bee itself.
When a squad car is black and white, it reminds me of a yellow jacket.

The police who drive motorcycles
are skinny little wasps
dressed in their head gear and dark colors.
The motorcycle is slender when
compared to that of the oval-shaped bee.

If not careful, both come in swarms if there is trouble, or if one's actions are frantic.

2006-06-21T22:35:00.000-04:00

I think the only reasons I'm disappointed about our program getting cut is the paycheck and the fact I was buying some time while gaining experience. Other than that I'm sort of relieved for some odd reason despite the fact I started to like the program during the last six months. I don't know if I'll miss most of the adults I work with (co-workers) and there are only a few kids I work with that I do enjoy working with. But most of the time I find myself tired and not really into my job, which makes me believe I DO need some sort of meds for my depression or that I need a change because I'm getting bored.

I'm going to graduate school in the fall (art therapy counseling) and I'd like to see if I can get some volunteer time at the Rape Crisis Center. I've wanted to do that, but the timing didn't seem right because of commitment with training--which will take up some time and there seemed to be scheduale conflicts when I was at CSU. I'd think what I'm trying to say is that to focus my energy with other types of ways serving others.

2006-06-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

Taken from today's "paper journal" entry.

June 18th 2006

Nearly three weeks have gone by since I've last written in this journal. This journal is my "Gallagher" journal.....only because mostly during the last few months were spent writing this while either at Gallagher, People's Hope, or Safe Haven. I'm not that crazy about the people at Safe Haven. Not that I was crazy about the people at People's Hope, although I liked Nora, Chris, Sherry, and was starting to like Chanel.What amazes me about this year is how things change in the course of the year. I used to have such anxiety about work, had trouble getting up early (getting up at 6:30 am sucks), and class at Gallagher being limited to Kaufmann and Abarca, etc,etc. Now working with the Images kids at Safe Haven and I find myself disliking most of the staff there.Oh, yeah, they're cutting the funding for the youth initiatives/americorps program. I won't be back at WSEM next year, unless I get an actual job there.

Anne Frank

2006-06-14T11:17:00.000-04:00

Perhaps her diary wouldn't have been published if she had survived. As a result of a her diary, she became a voice for the survivors of the Holocaust. There's not too many people I know or that I can think of that personally wrote about the Holocaust from their point of view and experiences. The other person that comes to mind that wrote about his experiences was Elie Wiesel.

I think, though, if she'd survived I think she would have discussed at least some of her experiences and her pain. She was quite the expressive person before she died and I think one of the things she wanted to do was write. She was quite a writer. I've got a little blue book with a compilation of some of the things she wrote...some of the stories she wrote other than what she wrote in her diary.

2006-06-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

Those of you who are into Anne Frank, tomorrow is her birthday. I think she was born in 1929, and had she lived she would have been 77. Questions to ponder: Would she have been famous had she had lived? What would she had been like if she was living now at the tender age of 77? What would she had done with her life? Would she have continued to write? And in what ways has her diary and her short life have inspired you?

James Joyce's "Bloomsday" is coming up on the 16th, for those who are interested in his novel "Ulysses."

2006-06-06T20:19:00.000-04:00

This was one of my entries from livejournal. I had sent in this to the Plain Dealer because they were doing a write up about Lennon's death and they wanted readers to send in thoughts on where they were when Lennon was shot.

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Lennon Memories
I was born in 1978, so I don't have much memory of when John Lennon was shot. It wasn't until I was about sixteen when I started to become a Beatles fan, and as I got older I started diligently collecting memorbilia of the Beatles and each of the members when they have done things on their own.

In addition to collecting memorbilia, I started attending tribute shows about three years ago or so. I've seen "A Hard Day's Night," "1964: The Tribute," and have seen various tribute acts at Abbey Road on the River. At Abbey Road on the River, I had the chance to see Tim Piper and Working Class Hero. Seeing him perform is the only time I will get to "see John perform." The other acts and tributes I have seen, as well, will be the closest I get to see a Beatles reunion. Unfortunately, since most of these acts and tributes mimick the Beatles from times before I was born, I will never get to experience a real John Lennon performance or a real Beatles reunion--especially since there are now two remaining Beatles left.

2006-05-29T22:35:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I work in the jewelry department, I check out all the rings, the ones that run about 20 bucks, that aren't fine jewelry, and are cubic zirconia. I would prefer those to a regular engagement ring that would cost 500 bucks or more. I guess if I had a fiancé that was willing to splurge on a ring that would cost a ton of money, who would be complaining? Also, wouldn't it be nice to get a ring other than a traditional diamond? I wouldn't complain about the type of ring, but it would be nice to break tradition and be different. After all, when Jennifer Lopez was engaged to Ben Affleck, she had a pink engagement ring. If I were to get married, the kind of ceremony is something I could compromise on. Honestly, though, I am not sure I want to be decked out in a puffy white dress in a church ceremony. I would like the ceremony to be small, simple, intimate, and spiritual. God is going to be at my wedding (I would HOPE) regardless if it is at a church or otherwise. Maybe a small service at a park with MY friends, MY fiancé's friends and our families. Maybe with the justice of the peace? A few witnesses and a dinner or small celebration afterwards? The money spent on a huge ceremony could be used towards things we need, a house, or a honeymoon. The only things missing would be, other than the soon-to-be husband, is the gifts and a bridal registry.

an entry dated may 2nd 2005 from livejournal

2006-05-29T22:19:00.000-04:00

A girl from my religion class and I discussed the Virgin Mary and Saints.

She explained to me that in the Catholic Faith, that Mary is to be revered not worshipped. She is to be revered because she gave birth to Jesus. She is to be revered because God chose Mary to take on the responsibility to give birth to one of the most important people in the world. I saw a man named Tony Melendez perform at our church, and I may mess up how he said this, but from my understanding: Mary shouldn't be worshipped, we should pray to her, ask her to bring us closer to Jesus (or ask her for her guidance to bring us closer to Jesus).

Saints also shouldn't be 'worshipped' either. Saints should be looked upon as examples or as reminders of how one should be like Christ...they are examples for what they said or did, for what they may have sacrificed, and for other things that showed their willingness to either be like Christ or to be closer to Him.

2006-05-28T19:14:00.000-04:00

I really am starting to feel like these types of summer holidays are depressing. Since I work part-time at Kaufman's (soon to be Macy's), I end up being schedualed most holidays. Mother's Day I was schedualed but called off. Today I was schedualed to work 2-7 and didn't go on the boat with my family. I was let off at 5 and was going to go, but didn't feel like it was worth my time to go, so I stayed home. It's nice out, summer has "officially" begun its kick-off and I am home by myself. I see that kids are out and people are parked all in front of our houses I suppose because of cook-outs and other family gatherings.

2006-05-25T20:06:00.000-04:00

I just don't know how to tell my mother at all that I am going to Ursuline College. She preaches about finances and today I receive a message about consolidation on my school loans. Everything is just about set. I will be going to post office to mail deposit on housing. Tuesday I start Ceramics at CCC (metro campus). I will be looking for a new computer. I hope Matt (or someone) will reimburse me 80 dollars for my burner because it will be a while before I get anything back. My old computer was crap anyways, but it functioned enough to do what I needed to do until I got one. I didn't want to buy a new one just yet. I just didn't put a lot of my stuff to CD because I didn't expect it to be seized. I wonder what mom will say about that....because I get it all the time. I'm thinking to wait till school starts because I should have a bit extra in the fall. If matt gets into more trouble, I don't want to invest in it while at home for fear it will be seized. This is the first time in a long time I want to die. Nothing is the same anymore. I'm facing losing a brother to prison. My mom blames herself; she was in the back bathroom crying last night so loud I could hear her. Everyone else suffers. Can't keep things in the house because you either end up in the negatives or you have things seized. I hope to God that he straightens his butt because I don't know if anyone can take it.

2006-05-17T13:24:00.000-04:00

I may not know everything about religion or enough about other people's religion, but I think I know enough to know when someone has beliefs about some else's religion based on what they're taught (prejudicial teachings and otherwise) and when a person is lacking facts. Although I have taken a number of religion courses, I'm still trying to understand certain religions. If anyone feels I need to be corrected when it comes to this information please feel free to correct me. A lot of what I know about other religions is based on how it is explain to me and how I understand.

The three religions I am going to talk about is Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. From my understanding, God is the the same in all three religions: Jewish people believe that their messiah hasn't come yet. Christians believe Jesus is the Son of God, and Muslims believe that Mohammed is their prophet. Jews and Muslims might agree Jesus existed historically as a man, if they believed in him at all. I'm not so sure about the Muslim religion, though, because from my understanding is that acknowledge Jesus' existence but believe Mohammed is their prophet. I do not understand why my friend thinks the Muslim religion is a cult. She's Christian and she was taught to believe this, that Muslims believe in false GODs. I am was never taught that about Muslims (I'm Catholic) . If we all believe in the same ONE God, how is that possible for Muslims to believe in false God's? My God and the Jewish God must be false.

For the Jewish religion.....I took a Jewish course taught by a Jewish RABBI. From what I understand, Jewish people believe that Jesus was not the Son of God. All 3 religions. have things in common that link them together and have history, beliefs, and/or philosophies that are parallel to one another and basically proceed through history after one another, kind of if you were to place each religion on a time line.....starting with Judaism first, following with Christianity and finally Islam (Muslims). Historically, they're important to one another.

Cult vs. Religion.The definitions I got for these were from a visual thesaurus I got online called Plumb Design visual Thesaurus:

CULT: Rage, fad, craze. an interest followed w/exaggerated zeal(for instance, when you call a movie a cult classic-MY explanation). Adherents of an exclusive system of beliefs and practices.

RELIGION: faith. A strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny. Institution to express belief in a divine power.

I know in some instances in Christianity, there seems to be cult like resemblances, especially when they try to get everyone to convert or made to feel like if you don't accept Jesus you are going to hell. For the most part, the fundalmentalist view points of a particular religion make it seem like that a certain religion is a cult. I do, however, find in the Pentecostal Christian viewpoint, they don't have room to talk about what is a cult and what isn't because they're one of the most cult like view point out of the Christian religion. For the most part, these religions have been around for thousands of years, so you can't really call them a fad or a craze.

I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong. ~John Lennon

2006-05-15T13:12:00.000-04:00

Hello.

It's been a whole week since I've written here. I've done a lot of editing or changing of templates to make this a more appealing site. I also seem to add more of pictures or art work in my other blog(s), than writings. I don't consider myself an artist or a writer. The ironic thing is I am going into Art Therapy with Counseling. The only background I have in art is the few art classes I took at the local community college. I thought it would be wonderful to help people heal through the arts. I'm taking a ceramics class at the local community college during the summer, and I hope one of these days to take a photography class, to get "trained" more "professionally."

All weekend I've cleaned my room or have done a service project for the non-profit I've worked for. Celebrated Mother's Day yesterday, and on Saturday, called about my CAT scan results...I have an enlarged ovary. other than that, there isn't "a whole lot of shaking going on."

~Tracy

2006-05-08T23:08:00.002-04:00

For the High School Ex-Boyfriend

We boil at different degrees. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you for giving me the experience,
the pain that you inflicted on me, enabling
me to use it to help others who need healing.

Thank you for the person I long to be,
for the mud and the bird droppings
that abled me to grow like a flower,
for helping me to be more aware.

This is retribution for the
burning you imposed on me.

Thought for The Day

2006-05-08T15:45:00.000-04:00

"The Qur'an contains much which is also evident in both Christianity and Judaism. The most obvious similarities are the Islamic acceptance of Moses and Jesus as prophets. However, Islam doesn't accept the idea that Jesus was a divine incarnation. For Islam God does not represent himself in human form, he merely assigns prophets to preach his message." (pg 34, "The History of Philosophy. Great Thinkers from 600 B.C. to the Present Day")

While I probably won't convert to Islam any time soon, I highly agree with that. I question that truth designating one person as the Son of God. Jesus was just a prophet with a radical message, who was killed because his views were considered radical and Jesus was a Jewish revolutionary. I don't think the bulk of Jesus' message was all that radical anyways....maybe back then it was. It was about being good to others.

What makes Jesus so unique as *the* Son of God? Aren't we all the sons and daughters of God?

Not much is going on

2006-05-06T21:41:00.000-04:00

Like my title says, not much going on.....or should I say not much I'm willing to divulge? Today ran a few minor errands. Cleaned out a filing cabinet, took books back to library, took papers to recycling bin, old clothes to Salvation Army, and went to Post Office twice. The first trip to the post office, I mailed a postcard to England, and a letter to a pen pal that lives in Sri Lanka. After cleaning out my papers, I found some pictures I took of an ex-boyfriend and his family. I sure didn't want them, but I didn't want to to throw them away either....so I did the logical thing and sent them to him with a little note to offer condolences on the death of his brother, told him about dad's stroke that happened last year, and news on my graduation from CSU, job, and acceptance to graduate school. Thinking about him lately. Don't want to get back together....although I wonder what it would be like and I'm sure I'd be just as lonely with him as I am now without a boyfriend. I guess the pictures were an excuse to contact him, rub in his face that things are good, and maybe he could get off of his duff and see how I'm doing. Will end here for tonight.

Tracy

CUTE JOKE

2006-05-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Well, now you've seen pictures, art, and quotes....Now it's time to write!

2006-05-04T11:06:00.000-04:00

Topic one.

I like to think that in terms of what I've want out of relationships, I've matured.

When I was 14 years old, I had my first boyfriend on the basis that he was cute and that I wanted to fit in with the crowd because everyone seemed more popular than me. We didn't even get to know each other.....a mutual friend hooked us up and we had an instant relationship and that was it. I don't know how much we actually got to know each other, but we DID fool around....so I guess we, in fact, got to know each other.

My second boyfriend, I knew him through the first boyfriend. It wasn't until he graduated HS (a year later) we officially became a couple. Despite a few obstacles, we had a minor friendship established....meaning we knew each other before hooked up. We lasted for 6 years and broke up because of differences and frustrations.

We broke up, and I did a lot of searching....ended up fooling around with a couple of guys, I guess to ease the loneliness and to prove I was attractive. Did a lot of searching online, only to find guys such as the one who wanted to meet in the Flats Downtown, which is red flag # 1. I don't have a problem meeting guys in a local tavern, but the first time meeting someone, I don't want to meet them in the Flats because it's a party zone, in my opinion. I mean there is a difference between the Flats and my favorite tavern The Barking Spider...yet they are the same in a small way, but different. The Flats is more about a safety issue for a female. The second red flag was when he asked me what I was looking for....I replied taking things slowly and friendship. He proceeded to ask me after I had stated that, "am I interested in doing two guys?" I don't think I stuttered.....

I like to think that I want friendship first or at least get to know you before anything serious before getting involved with someone. Sex can wait til marriage.....but if in a loving, serious relationship I'd be willing to do it sooner.